my big fake interview

26 06 2008

our friends over at pimpin and crimpin have published a brilliant interview with famed snarkster/social poet/media mogul matt samet.    

we are jealous because we think matt samet is funny.  

we would try and interview him (the samet) as well, but given our devotion to his discursive stylistics, we could probably only repeat him to him, which could cause a rift in the space time continuum and could possibly cause the destruction of the universe.  our math isn’t solid on this, but my stephen hawking-sense tells me i’m probably right.   

in lieu of a samet-i-tation on climbing – a matt-erialized fugue on cliff clinging, if you will – i’ve decide to interview myself.  this works great with my schedule and also gives me a chance to brush up on my somewhat tenuous ‘people skills’.  plus, the “kill ’em all, let god sort ’em out” tattoo on my forehead is far less likely to unnerve me as it might some liberal lunatic with a fetish for ‘not killing everything and letting god sort it out’.  a non-fetish fetish, i suppose.   

 

me:hi.

me: hi.

me: um.

me: this is awkward.

me: huh, yeah.

me: yeah.

me: so, when did you first start…  oh, i already know the answer to that.

me: yeah, i suppose so.

me:  yeah.

me: huh.

-tissue tendons

 

Advertisements




ICFTG greatest hits

23 06 2008

a lot of people think a band should wait until after their fifth album to do a greatest hits album.  

personally, i think they should release one as soon as possible; a lot of bands just don’t make it to a fifth release and/or release at least one album full of duds somewhere after their “brilliant sophomore effort”.  

and we all know you want the greatest hits album before the 13 track craptastrophe.     

it is with this (our) imminent failure in mind that I have compiled this post: i want our inspired garbage to be highlighted before we start writing uninspired garbage…..

climbing is overrated

i am cursed

lying is rad

soul versus numbers

problem name-o-rama

garage problems
  

-tissue





fan queries (or) email from the haters

17 06 2008

we here at ICFTG rarely receive mail from our readership. for awhile i assumed that many had not yet learned to write and were hard at work sorting out the oftentimes tricky relationship between nouns and verbs so they could shower us with much overdue praise.

i was wrong. nouns and verbs really aren’t that tricky. and the proof – as they say – is in the queries:

Q: “If this is a climbing blog…uh…. why isn’t there any pictures of climbing or any climbing” – Anonymous

A: dude. we don’t climb. we just TALK about climbing. this is the internet, not boulder. if you want photos and trip stories then hit up one of the colorado sites. they climb AND talk about it. plus, when you have more than two people at a session you get what i like to call: photos.

Q: “I have a great idea for a post: “It Came From the Garage: Cancelled” – Adam P.

A: huh. great plan. poor execution. i give it a c-. i woulda given an a+ for: — this blog sucks. it’s more like “It Came From the Garbage”– see what i did there?

i added a b.

Q: “Why don’t you clip bolts? Who boulders in Kentucky? Wanker. ” – Anonymous

A: this is a good one. during my most recent trip out west, i was often asked the very same question. desert people stuck with painful granite crimps seemed appalled that i eschewed kentucky’s amazing corbin sandstone cliffs for its often sandy rockfall boulders. a few years ago i would have offered them an elaborate explanation about the social connectivity of bouldering, the minutia involved in problem solving, and my ability to head out into the kentucky jungle in the solo. this year, however, i’m training power endurance so as to rid myself of ‘wankerdom’ once and for all.

by fall, i too plan to make fun of boulderers. silly pebble wrastlers the lot of them.

that’s it. if you have any (more) questions feel free to drop us a line.

-tissue





the newbs cometh (or revenge of the jerry)

13 06 2008

 

when i first began the ‘climbing of the rocks’ (aka cliff clinging) i was a newb.  same for you.  same for dave graham (for 3-4 days).  same for all of us.  so while i do like to poke fun at the newbsauce jerry who still hasn’t taken the price tag off his sparkling new chalkbag, i also realize nobody pops into this game with sloth forearms, crag savvy, and a pair of scissors.  

that said, my recent (re)exploration of the red river gorge has taken me into a world RIFE with newbs.  why just last week i saw a horde of trad-gear armed gumbies retreat from a 5.6 choss-fest because their rope was tangled in a tree located some 30 feet away from the route.  add this absurdity to the dozens of shiny cams slotted in 8 inch intervals to protect the desperate 4th class ledge traverse and what you have is a combination of wide-eyed confusion and genuine concern on my part.

i mean, jerrys are funny ’til you gotta carry one 1.3 miles on your back.  

how then do we deal with these rookie duds?  sometimes a good ole-fashioned “dude, you suck.  give me your rope” seems like a good idea.  it saves their life, gets them out of the red, and gets me a desperately needed new rope.  win, win, win.  but as much as i love being on the hate wagon <*tip o’ the cap to sock hands> it seems better to help my experience malnourished brothers and sisters by ‘droppin’ knowledge’ on them.   in what follows i offer some advice on said knowledge droppage. Read the rest of this entry »





what the south does when it gets warm: i’m building climbing walls again

4 06 2008

yup.  as tissue mentioned; it’s summer time.  and we all know what that means:  the architect is designing and building his third climbing wall. because it’s the summer, and that’s what i do.  for those unfamiliar, allow me to present some of my previous work:

the bassett prow

this was the “prow” at the famed Bassett house before it met it’s untimely demise earlier this month.  i have to say, pretty mediocre at best.  but fear not.  the new Cooper climbing wall will blow your mind.

i have long wisted for the chance to design and build a climbing wall from scratch.  in fact, if you actually follow this blog, and i wouldn’t advise that, you might recall this post i wrote earlier in the year touting my skills to recognize and advise on those most crucial aspects of a good climbing gym.  how apropos that i collect my thoughts on such a matter just months before i go about realizing my dream, eh?  most pertinent to the Cooper wall is the elimination of dead wall space most usually created from poorly designed corners.  now gaze upon these corners in awe:

Cooper corner

dr. jeremy approves.

Cooper corner

wow, insulation too?

Cooper corners

my wall has more facets than your bling.  in fact, this wall is more iced out than your…..er.  well, your mom.

god i wish i could go to RMNP.  i hate you colorado.

-the architect