the newbs cometh (or revenge of the jerry)

13 06 2008


when i first began the ‘climbing of the rocks’ (aka cliff clinging) i was a newb.  same for you.  same for dave graham (for 3-4 days).  same for all of us.  so while i do like to poke fun at the newbsauce jerry who still hasn’t taken the price tag off his sparkling new chalkbag, i also realize nobody pops into this game with sloth forearms, crag savvy, and a pair of scissors.  

that said, my recent (re)exploration of the red river gorge has taken me into a world RIFE with newbs.  why just last week i saw a horde of trad-gear armed gumbies retreat from a 5.6 choss-fest because their rope was tangled in a tree located some 30 feet away from the route.  add this absurdity to the dozens of shiny cams slotted in 8 inch intervals to protect the desperate 4th class ledge traverse and what you have is a combination of wide-eyed confusion and genuine concern on my part.

i mean, jerrys are funny ’til you gotta carry one 1.3 miles on your back.  

how then do we deal with these rookie duds?  sometimes a good ole-fashioned “dude, you suck.  give me your rope” seems like a good idea.  it saves their life, gets them out of the red, and gets me a desperately needed new rope.  win, win, win.  but as much as i love being on the hate wagon <*tip o’ the cap to sock hands> it seems better to help my experience malnourished brothers and sisters by ‘droppin’ knowledge’ on them.   in what follows i offer some advice on said knowledge droppage.

A) rocks:  if there is one thing that a crag has in abundance it’s rocks.  lots and lots of rocks.  in my mind, rocks are good for three things. 1) smoking.  nothing relieves the anxiety created in the modern world quite like a big rip off a crack pipe.  rapid tooth decay and deteriorating mental health might SEEM like enough to steer one away from rock fun (which, when combined become the word r-u-n. think about it), but the always-faltering existence of a million plus crackheads suggests there must be something to it.  2) climbing.  ya’ll know what i’m talkin’ bout.  bout it bout it.  3) throwing.  the only thing our crags have in more abundance than newb-ass jerrys is…rocks.  and nothing says “go home douche bag” quite like a medium range sandstone pelting.  rocks.  throw them.  at jerrys.  

B) seduce their girlfriends:  i’m not so sure this rids the crag of jerrys or just (re)inserts them into a different social position at the crag (i.e. your girlfriend), but it seems maliciously hilarious nonetheless. just be sure to emphasize how hard your project is.  it’s fun to woo the jerry’s lady.   

C) <insert your idea here>

-tissue tendons




7 responses

13 06 2008

overheard on many occasions:

“hey, am i backclipped?”
“i don’t think so. no, you look good man. wait wait! when you twist that way it looks like you are backclipped.”
“should i reclip?”
“yeah, just unclip and then clip back in the right way.”
“okay, hold on, i’m getting tired.”
“you got it man!”
“okay, i’m in again. take!”
“nice first bolt dude. oh crap- now you really are backclipped.”

13 06 2008

overheard, thankfully, only once:

“uh, can you just hang out there for a minute man? i think i loaded this gri-gri backwards. let me just take you off real quick.”

13 06 2008

holy shit, hilarious.

19 06 2008

what does “back-clip” mean?

20 06 2008

nothing. just keep clipping like i taught you: sharp end toward the rock.

you’ll be fine kiddo. trust me.

26 06 2008
the bpc

my favorite is when folks belay the wrong rope in a gym setting and then the climber decks. however, this is only funny when the decking does not result in bone fragments outting your bystander’s eye.

26 06 2008

safety goggles. like an ‘eye condom’ for being close to newbs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: