poo is not a clever metaphor for poop

4 12 2008

poop

it has occurred to me that omitting a letter from a word is not a “metaphorical recombination of discourse”. first, there’s no recombination. second, “poo” alone hardly counts as discourse. finally, and by finally I mean ‘thirdly’, there’s no metaphorical recombination in the transition from ‘poop’ to ‘poo’ (that’s a tautology kids!).

i guess it’s a euphemism? something about the lack of a hard consonant at the end seems to make ‘poop’ less disgusting. it euphemizes that shit, so to speak. in fact, there seems to be an entire array of fecal terms that one could arrange in order from least to most disgusting. this week, we here at ICftG will take on this excremental challenge and apply some sort of lingual science to the potty talk. why? i don’t know:

poo: often confused for a clever metaphor for poop, this mono-syllabic term represents the least ‘dirty’ word for fecal denotation. “I gotta poo”. it is most appropriate when dealing with members of the opposite sex. it lets the ladies know you’re a non-threatening caricature of a man who also has a penchant for brevity; and for the ladies it lets the guys know you don’t take “dumps” (see below).

duece: this word is a derivation of the bathroom phrase “number two”. deuce not only shortens the phrase but gives it a little more pomp as well. “I gotta drop a duece”. this lets people know you still remember being a kid, but you’re not afraid to appropriate and modify phraseology from your youth. not sure what people will make of that

dump: this is an intriguing addition, as it seems to refer to the potential scale of one’s “duece”. in other words, a ‘dump’ is a very large ‘duece’. “I gotta take a dump”. this is best used when you want people to know how totally bad ass you are; like you’re a titan and your dump will crush an entire city.  would be appropriately followed by “run for cover motherfucker”.

crap: never use this. it’s got no ‘pop’. it’s crass enough to cause a double-take but without the scalar dynamism of ‘dump’ it is a total failure as a word.

shit: you can’t say it on television so it must be really bad. like a michael jackson album without quincy jones or a bashing of nicolas cage without a momentary pause for his work in raising arizona.

consider this an open thread and feel free to share your knowledge of bathroom language. this is culture people; if you don’t participate, you are omitting yourself from the process of its (culture’s) reproduction. it’s a sin. don’t believe me? look in the bible.  it’s the dusty faux-leather book shelved between two other books you have never read.

stay tuned! next week we return to the rockclimbings fold with our first-ever megapost:

Where Art Thou Brother?: Race, Class, and the Rockclimbings

til then….

-tissue

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3 responses

4 12 2008
Anonymous

crap is a failure, and i think stink bomb should be included in this list. it has all the flare of dump, but it sends the message “stay out of the bathroom for the next two hours” too.

5 12 2008
Townn

“dropping the black kids off at the pool” would be a nice segue between this post and the next. While relaying some information about size (“kids”), consistency (“kids”), and rhythm (“black kids”), it more importantly lets people know that you’re an edgy mofo’, and cosmopolitan enough to be so far removed from racism as to consider it worthy of parody. Note that you’ll never hear an actual black person say either this or “drop the kids off at the pool.”

5 12 2008
Townn

This may be before the fact, but I’ve also never heard “spray the chinese kids into the pool.”

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