as the world turns: rockclimbing with gravity

6 01 2009

2004-0423gravity-lg

yes.  gravity is terribly burdensome.  it makes it hard for even the most nimble rockclimber to achieve total victory over rock conquesting.  from the floppy haired antics of that sherma guy to the muscle-free magic of that ondra kid we are all victims of gravity’s invisible horror.

and while we are all repeatedly crushed by it, there is nobody who hates gravity more than I.  since i was a wee boy, gravity has haunted my every action, forever lurking in the shadows of my perpendicular dreams; horizontalizing them.  horizontalizing me.

this is not surprising.  for according to my scientific staff, i am the heaviest rockclimber in the history of the world.  in fact, at a mind-boggling 175 pounds i am almost unable to walk due to the intense pressure gravity exerts on my feet.

this is why i lay down when i train.  it’s not that i’m unmotivated.  no, quite the contrary:  it’s because gravity has me pinned down.

pinned down, i say.

pinned down by gravity.

but like all great internet rockclimbers i find a way to cope – a way to persevere – a way to fight for what’s right.  yes, despite my weight impairment, i still find ways to win.

you might be saying to yourself “wow.  this guy is sure packing in the wins against gravity.  how does he do it?  how?!?!?!”

and i’m all like “dooooooooood.  like this.”

um, dude, like this:

1) walk around.  something i picked up from the elderly.

2) explain that it’s “not my style” and do the easier problem next to it.

3) try hard.  i mean, like, REALLY hard.

4) make everyone else wear weight vests.  “not so easy NOW is it skinny?”

5) cocaine.  because even if you fail at climbing, you’re still a winner overall.  watch less than zero (1987) for details.

6) change the game.  since winning is relative, i just break out a scrabble board at the boulders and start taking names.

t-r-i-p-l-e-w-o-r-d-s-c-o-r-e-v-1-0-n-o-o-b.

-tissue

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6 responses

7 01 2009
A

As always this very refreshing prose..! Being a heavy doood myself, I shall try and implement all these wise recommandations ;).
Keep up the subversive blogging, truly a welcome change from all the usual nonsense.
Best.

8 01 2009
Pontes

Maybe u can dedicate the next post to explaining how would climbing exist at all without gravity. I see ‘her’ as my best company. I’m real skinny though…..

8 01 2009
tissuetendons

of course we need gravity. but the amount on earth is (relatively) ridiculous. in other words, ‘she’ is outta control.

everything in moderation people. everything in moderation.

8 01 2009
thearchitecturality

pwned!
180 lbs easy.

you never have, nor will you ever match the sheer mass my genes have bestowed upon me.

using one triple word score per turn is for noobs.

7 02 2009
tissuetendons

u r 4 noobs.

26 03 2009
the one year anniversary post « It Came from the Garage

[…] gravity is a bummer […]

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