killing time: halo 3 versus rockclimbings

13 01 2009


i f$&#*#ing hate winter.  there is no sun.  it’s cold.  i f#&@&@ing hate it.  hate.  hate.  hate.  hate.

last winter i skipped out on all the hatred and headed to tucson for some pre-dementia snowbird weather.  ah…mid 70’s, sunny, and dry:  just what the doctor ordered.  yes – yes – yes.  while out in the sonoran desert i was able to climb 4 days a week, swim in my apartment-side pool, and pack in the grins every morning with a blast of sunshine and orange juice.

this winter?  no smiling.   not even a wry smirk.  in fact, i’m taking swings at a symbolic face that doesn’t even exist.  haymakers, dude.  wild disconnected haymakers.

but since i can’t punch old man winter in his stupid depressing face, i’ve decided to go on a killing spree…..  in a game called halo 3.

as many of you can probably infer, halo 3 is the follow-up to the highly succesful halo 2 – itself a follow-up to the big-time success-ridden game halo (1).  to recap:  halo (1) begat halo 2 begat halo 3.  in the last chapter of this trilogy, you control a guy and run around shooting people in the face as much as possible.  it’s great fun; because 1) killing virtual people you don’t know throws the basic tenets of karma into an irresolvable tailspin, and 2) nothing beats having a 7 year old telling you to “kill yourself” because “you suck so bad i can feel the universe wobble”.

internet culture has made american kids so savvy.  nuanced even.

so anyhow, instead of shooting people on this dark and gloomy winter morning i decided to make a list comparing the game halo 3 and rockclimbings.

in other words, IS IT SPRINGTIME YET??!?!?!?!??!?!?


halo 3 versus rockclimbings:

  1. halo 3 doesn’t get harder if you gain weight.  in fact, fatties tend to pwn in the sit-down world of videogames.
  2. the grading system in halo 3 is decided by a formula.  that way if you’re really good you don’t have to wait for all the other good players to confirm you.
  3. if you shoot someone in the face they can’t call a dab.
  4. nothing is contrived in halo 3.  it’s a game.
  5. strangers don’t ask stupid questions about halo 3—-“oooh!  rockclimbing!  you use pitons?  have you seen the show about Everest?  do you free climb?”—- instead, they just assume you’re a huge dork and ignore you for the rest of the night.
  6. people don’t veil their contempt for you in halo 3.   you never hear someone giving an “allez!” to someone they clearly want to kill.
  7. halo 3 people don’t confuse their hobby with metaphysics.  nobody ever says “yeah dude, when i was pwning that nub – i dunno – something changed inside of me.  maybe forever.”
  8. no rest days

-tissue ‘i trained for this?’ tendons




8 responses

13 01 2009
Matt S

Brilliant. I feel your pain, yet, oddly, look forward to the end of climbing season, so I can get fat with impunity and pwn on some Xbox.

Gears of War 2 vs. Halo 3?

Call of Duty: World at War vs. Gears?

I still haven’t played Bioshock.

14 01 2009

gears 2 is a different animal. where halo 3 is mostly about weapons matchups and maximizing advantages (or minimizing disadvantages), gears tend to rely heavily on taking cover. that said, i LOVE cover. it’s what i would do if someone was trying to kill me.

btw – horde mode with a few friends is ridiculous fun.

COD: WaW? ugh. i play some COD4 and it’s cool and all, but……. i suck. my quick twitch 2-shot reflexes are poop. i’m much better at continuous fire games than those so-called ‘realistic’ shooters. i mean, i still like the game, but getting pwned repeatedly? its awful.

14 01 2009
Matt S

COD – it’s the grenades. They don’t let you rest. But the bodies pile up after a bit, and you begin to feel better.

Timeshift is worth a look, too, for continuous shooting. My goal is to get so fat and addicted to Xbox they have to crane-lift me out of a hole cut in the ceiling just to get me to fat camp. We’ll see if I can’t do it.

15 01 2009

yeah. i really dont know the maps well enough to ‘pre-nade’. plus, COD messes with my halo 3 game – different buttons + different feel = total catastrophe.

crane operators nationwide await the honor of ‘saving’ you from your self-styled prison.

15 01 2009
Matt S

Look for me on Discovery some Saturday: “The 600-pound Video Game Addict who Once Climbed Rocks…”

25 02 2009

best rock climbing vs halo 3 comparison ever made ever. Nice work.

25 02 2009

thanks! as an aside: my current COD4 pwnage has now rendered me totally obsolete in halo3.

26 03 2009
the one year anniversary post « It Came from the Garage

[…] halo 3 and climbing y’all […]

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