tissue strikes back!

5 02 2009

the-empire-strikes-back

a lot to discuss today; doublepost y’all…..

f*$k winter

this winter has been abso-friggin-lutely ridiculous.  and not like the good ridiculous either.  you know the one where you wake up naked, immediately panic, but relax once you see the bed you’re lying on is made of 15th century gold dubloons.  and while kentucky has been cold – just like lying naked on a dubloon bed – there aren’t any dubloons to speak of.  this place is dubloonless.  fracking cold mixed with intense wetness.  like nature decided to give me a huge wet hug for 4 months.  not only has it managed to keep me off the sweet sweet kentucky boulders for a month,  but last week it had the audacity – nay the gumption – to bomb me (and millions of others) with a big fat ice storm.  if you haven’t experienced the thrilling crystal-land funk that is an ice storm you are totally missing out.  it’s like having your city attacked by a really cold david bowie dream; a thick layer of ice on everything, crushed trees, downed power-lines, and terrible living for all involved.  ya man, lexington got totally ‘stardusted’.  and in this mess i sat powerless.  not because i lack the mutant ability to control weather (i do), but because my power was out.  no power = no nothing else = ARGGHHHHHHH.

so let’s see: outdoor climbing ruined?  check.  garage climbing suffocated?  check.  distractions smothered? check.  warmth killed?  check.  motivation sufficiently pummeled into oblivion?  ch……

it’s shocking really.  old man winter – not satisfied with making me fat and slow – came into my house and broke my s$%t.  like with vengeance and stuff.  so, if you’re keeping track at home that’s winter 1 – tissue 0.

during this drubbing at the cruel hands of nature i’ve written the beginning of no less than 15 posts.  with titles like “gods do hate me”, “i’m not sure what i did: the apology”, and the crowd favorite “WTF seriously give me my xbox back!” it is amazing i haven’t offed myself in recent weeks.  but in the midst of this gods-angst i did manage to work through the following:

I too have some of the flow sir: becoming a climbing rapist, erm, climbing rapper

if you ‘rolled’ with me in the real-world rockclimbing zones (currently known as ‘the garage’ and ‘the couch’) you would soon find that i am a prolific rap freestylist:

“i break em off some – i break em off some – i break em off some – yeah.”

see.  i just made that s#%t up off the top off my head.  onsight.

but seriously.  i do love hip hop (j-dilla RIP wut wut) and seeing as how i spend most of my climbing time rocking tight beats, it’s not surprising that i sometimes drop some ‘ill rhymes’.  and by ill i mean totally awesome.  and by totally awesome i mean really good.

similar to other types of writing, the word on the ‘street’ is that it’s best to stick with what you know when it comes to laying down the ‘dopeness’ on a track.  i’m guessing this is why 2pac rhymed about his mom and the rough neighborhoods of south central, why eminem spits about popping pills and media hysteria, and, finally, why rapper/climber chris ‘o-dub’ hampton works most of his material through the wild world of rockclimbings.  it’s the stuff that moves them.  simple enough.

since i don’t have any other ‘rappable’ action in my life, i’m thinking i might need to take this same ‘less traveled’ rockclimbing rap road.  maybe o-dub is onto something with this rap/climb thing.   i mean, how hard can it be?  crimp rhymes with pimp, ‘tug that jug’ is a super-sick chorus chant (that i just made up – cha ching!), and i’ve still got my huge pants from my erstwhile rave days.  dood, i’m literally one album away from niche stardom.

i’ll post again when i finish my first album.  until then you can find me at crags and boulders across the southeast “battlin’ fools that front with their gimp ass rhymes – like i’m crushin’ a v12 crux in their face five times”.

i win @ life.

-tissue

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4 responses

5 02 2009
Steve

yes, f*$k winter indeed, but, keeping things in perspective, I’m not sure if you can really mean that as much as we mean it when we say it, here in Montreal, where winter was actually invented. Heck, an ice storm is the least of our worries, a small dent in the week, and at least we don’t have to shovel that one away, we just wait for all that ice to be covered by another two feet of snow.
As for the Bowie simile, bravo, very, very well put.

5 02 2009
3sushis

t t, i really hope it warms up for you. Do you have a c o detector? Crack a window!!!

7 02 2009
tissuetendons

i don’t mean it as much as you mean it steve. i feel bad for you people – i really do. on the bright side, if you live north of the freeze line (which you do) you’ll be safe during the zombie apocalypse. yay!

10 02 2009
peter beal

Sounds like Kentucky really got hammered by the ice. Makes me appreciate the crisp 40-50 F days we’ve been having recently.

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