my mission: check?

10 04 2009

this is how i train for being the spot light kentucky blogger

climbing is the most fun thing i’ve got going.  which is a shame because all the people in this J Crew catalog i’m looking at seem really happy and all they’re doing is standing around in clothes.  for sure, it’s clear there is not a climber amongst them.  so either i’m missing out on something or these kids are on drugs.  i’m inclined to go with the latter…and the former.

i’m probably right.

but sometimes climbing is like drugs.  not because you sometimes find yourself wearing a pair of killer slacks and a scarf while smiling for no apparent reason.  no.  because sometimes you think to yourself “hey i like these drugs!” and then someone comes along and says “YOU ARE DOING THOSE WRONG!!!!!”.  buzzkill brah.

but sometimes people yelling awful things at you is accompanied by somewhat interesting questions.  for instance, last week when the guy said “friends know you and have spoken of your mission”, i started to wonder:

“friends know me?”  pft.  right.  nobody can get through this impenetrable veneer i call a personality *wave to all the smiling people tissue!*, NOBODY i say!

but what was really ‘torblemsome’ was not my steely exterior (it is made of steel after all), but this whole business about ‘my mission’ .  so for the last week i’ve been pacing circles in my living room wondering:

“hey, wtf is my mission?” which was followed by:

“OMFG i’m on a mission?!?!?” which caused me to panic:


this was not good.  as most missionaries know, the worst way a mission can begin is pre-compromised and without your active participation.  and having random panic-alert thorazine darts flying around your living room won’t make matters any better.

hrm.  perhaps my pre-mission mind had been erased?  wiped clean.  because the only bit of mission-like material i can recall is the boyscout pledge.  omg wait!  it’s….gone.:

“blah blah blah…something….to protect other people and obey the law of the pack”

egad the law of the pack.  vanished?  what will the pack do now?

yup.  for sure, i had been brainwashed.  why there was once day – not so long ago – where i could repeat that very same pack law blindfolded.  or on fire even.  indeed, i had it ‘memorized’ with my mind.

but nowadays?  i am without a pack law, and thus probably ill-prepared for any sort of mission type stuff.  to make matters worse, i am also decidedly without firearm.  i haven’t learned much from 90’s action movies, but i did figure out one thing: don’t go out on a mission naked.  and in the 90’s naked meant not carrying a gun (or being half-clothed in case you happen to be having ‘sex’ with your co-star/walking-talking-woman-as-victim stereotype).

i also don’t have a briefcase, a badge, a rucksack, or a compelling back story.

in other words, i’m just not ready for any sort of run-of-the-mill mission.  but rockclimbing missions?  you bet your ass.

super-villian nemesis: um.  sorta check?!

awesome costume: blue organic tee and old prana pants.  check!

ambition: yes, i aspire to getting free t-shirts from climbing companies.  seriously, my dreams have no limit.  check!

so, yeah, i’m ready.





2 responses

10 04 2009

I don’t know much about anything, but two ways of getting free tees:
1. Once I coreshot a brand new petzl rope after one lousy fall. I bitched about it on a forum. I got a brand new rope and a t-shirt.
2. I went to a climbing movie showing sponsored by Evolv. There were maybe 80 people in the theater and about 20 prizes in drawing lots. I didn’t win anything and bitched about it to the Evolv rep the following week at a shoe demo. He gave me a t-shirt and told me to go away.
So either you start working on your out of state tick list, or having a big mouth will also work.

11 04 2009

/big mouth
/insert free shirt here

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