things i hate: bouldery routes

3 06 2009


i am not really a breakdancer.  i am a boulderer. *SURPRISE!*  white, american. hetero, male, boulderer.  i know because it says so on the ‘contact information’ card in my Trapper Keeper ©.  right under the part where my mom wrote: “believe in yourself pookie!”.

thanks mom.  pookie did.  until he started trying to climb ‘bouldery routes‘.

but before i whine about how i’m getting totally wtfpwnd by these pure manifestations of evil, we need to clear up what a bouldery route entails.  when route climbers say something is bouldery they just mean to say it has a ‘crux’ harder than v2.  it certainly doesn’t signify any special type of movement.  it just means shit got harder than the shit which preceded it.  trust me.  i’ve done thousands of boulder problems (in 3 states) – all of which were bouldery – and none of which shared one certain boulderish characteristic outside of being more difficult than a 5.10 jug haul.  bouldery in a route = one move which is relatively harder than the easy moves leading up to and/or following it.  but i digress.

i’m hating bouldery routes.  which is weird because like i said i’m like a boulderer and stuff.  add that to the two months i spent developing some endurance and i was pretty sure the bouldery routes would be the first to fall, but…..  wait, what?  you don’t believe i’m a boulderer?  did you know i’ve climbed several unconfirmed v8’s?  well, did you?  yeah!  sans confirmation!  that’s how i got all these stickers on mai stick clip punk!  how you like me now?  *cough*

but despite my otherworldy (and totally unverified) strength, i have recently failed to do the bottom ‘v5’ boulder problems on two 5.12b’s in the red river gorge: Infectious (felt totally impossible) and Iniquity (just botched the beta i think).  i could blame both on a nagging pulley injury (hard to crimp with open hands), but i think the most savvy way to explain my failure is to blame something external to me.  this time i’ll go with style of climbing.

yup.  vertical ‘boulderiness’ is hard.  i didn’t build a 52 degree bouldering wall so that i could go outside and get my face smashed in on slopey pocket/dishes.  nope.   it is i who is supposed to do the smashing.  and by smashing i mean sending… not crushing things with mallets.

so i’m done with facey cruxes until 1) i run out of steep routes or 2) someone tricks me into thinking i just need to try harder.





4 responses

3 06 2009

I know I know I know, you know, these things are evil. I was totally made into a fool trying to get off the ground on that route stretcherous?!?. It’s probably not even V5 for f*k’s sake. And now i just went on to read that the bad crimp can probably be skipped if tall. I’m a tall dude god damn it. and now I’m not there anymore. this sucks. Why didn’t I see this when I was there. I hate not winning soooooo much. and I blame you (hey, you told me to go there and I’m sure you musta known I’d wanna try that stupid looking bouldery route and I would fail horribly).

3 06 2009

oh yeah. i failed on that one too. thanks for the reminder steve.

if it makes you feel better the tall skipping method is still pretty hard AND from what i hear the rest of the route sucks. so there’s that 🙂

14 06 2009

I don’t know, those three routes should be easy for a boulder such as yourself. They are much harder for those RRG endurance climbers 🙂

15 06 2009

figured this out: i quit too soon. i get warm for endurance really fast, but i get warmed up for boulders mega slow. in each case, after a few ez pitches i figured i was ready to pull hard, tried to pull hard, failed, and promptly quit. all of those should go next visit after i get my (insert twitch type here) muscles ready to fire.

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