The Garage Hath Returned: A Prelude to a Totally Different 2 Year Hiatus

23 02 2012

the only way i could manage to take a dump on my Lamborghini without a ladder

in case you haven’t been paying attention to the big silence that is It Came from the Garage, i took a rather long respite from the climbing blogosphere.  a respite is – of course – a euphemism for playing video games, drinking beer, and watching sports used by the over-educated (HI I’VE READ ADORNO!) and unemployed  to make being ordinary sound like an action montage cut from a pile of Spielberg movies.  truth is, just like old people at stop lights, i got tired bored.

but that’s all fine and good.  a 21st century dude sometimes needs a healthy does of social media distractions and drugs to settle himself in the often torrid seas of the present.  i mean, the world is imploding on itself.  wild inequity threatens the social “balance”, environmental degradation is spoiling the..um… spoils of the earth, and – according to this pamphlet i’m reading – a fallen angel named SATAN has deployed homosexuals to destroy the world.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE FRODO!!!

shit is dire folks.  giving up – while not something which shines on your resume – has never looked better.

but enough is enough.  after some time being a ‘dick’ on climbing forums, i’ve decided to fire up ye olde blog again.  we have some serious catchings up to do.

What’s New in the Rockclimbings?

the most important thing to know is i’m kinda great at it.  and by kinda i mean totally.  you know that feeling you get when everything clicks into place?  like when Harry Potter finally figures out he’s a super magical badass/magical super badass and not just a mop-headed weirdo with a scar?  yeah, well its kinda like that for me, but without all the goofy friends.

i don't need a spotter Weasley.

What’s the Same in Rockclimbings?

everything else.  seriously.  quibbling over grades.  training articles.  idiots ruining access.  shit under every rock at the motherlode.  adam ondra sending everything.

finally found a replacement for the Luke Perry poster in my workout room

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Everything Sucks: Please Shut Up, You’re a Noob

21 02 2012

overhanging crimp ladder. /yawn

they hate this problem.  they hate this crag.  its dirty.  its dabby.  its in the shade.  its reachy.  bears.  its too close to the road.  its runout.  its contrived.  its soft.  a bunch of permas.  its stupid.  its a dropoff.  too many spraylords.  the approach sucks.  it smells bad.  the landing sucks.  its in the sun.  its sandbagged.  its grid bolted.  there are dogs.  its crunchy.  its polished.  there are noobs there.  no permas.

fuck this place.  everything sucks.

sound familiar?  well it should because this is as good as it’s gonna get.

2012 bitches.  we’re all gonna die anyhow so we might as well hone up our douchery as a prologue.

now where’d i put my jambox?  puppy and cooler are already in the car; time to go climbing.