The Garage Hath Returned: A Prelude to a Totally Different 2 Year Hiatus

23 02 2012

the only way i could manage to take a dump on my Lamborghini without a ladder

in case you haven’t been paying attention to the big silence that is It Came from the Garage, i took a rather long respite from the climbing blogosphere.  a respite is – of course – a euphemism for playing video games, drinking beer, and watching sports used by the over-educated (HI I’VE READ ADORNO!) and unemployed  to make being ordinary sound like an action montage cut from a pile of Spielberg movies.  truth is, just like old people at stop lights, i got tired bored.

but that’s all fine and good.  a 21st century dude sometimes needs a healthy does of social media distractions and drugs to settle himself in the often torrid seas of the present.  i mean, the world is imploding on itself.  wild inequity threatens the social “balance”, environmental degradation is spoiling… spoils of the earth, and – according to this pamphlet i’m reading – a fallen angel named SATAN has deployed homosexuals to destroy the world.


shit is dire folks.  giving up – while not something which shines on your resume – has never looked better.

but enough is enough.  after some time being a ‘dick’ on climbing forums, i’ve decided to fire up ye olde blog again.  we have some serious catchings up to do.

What’s New in the Rockclimbings?

the most important thing to know is i’m kinda great at it.  and by kinda i mean totally.  you know that feeling you get when everything clicks into place?  like when Harry Potter finally figures out he’s a super magical badass/magical super badass and not just a mop-headed weirdo with a scar?  yeah, well its kinda like that for me, but without all the goofy friends.

i don't need a spotter Weasley.

What’s the Same in Rockclimbings?

everything else.  seriously.  quibbling over grades.  training articles.  idiots ruining access.  shit under every rock at the motherlode.  adam ondra sending everything.

finally found a replacement for the Luke Perry poster in my workout room


daniel woods explains nomenclature win

17 02 2010

either this diagram is sexist, or i'm sexistly interpreting it...

daniel woods  —->

At the Vertical Carnival blog, Cedar Wright, who filmed Woods’ ascent of The Game, quoted him on the name: “I called this problem The Game because for me the climb was a game I had to play; I had to click into game mode, and really train myself for these moves. I had to grow mentally strong and also physically strong to be able to put it together. I call it The Game because I played the game and I ended up winning the game, so game over.”

game over, indeed.

bravo, daniel.  bravo.


Why Does it Take a Decade to Learn Not to Train Like an Imbecile?

8 09 2009


seriously.  wtf.

all finger strength – all the time = broke ass fingers.

all endurance – all the time = weaksauce.

all power endurance – all the time = exhausted.

all power – all the time = broke ass shoulders.

despite having read about training in cycles, it never struck me as something i should maybe consider.  like abstinence as a means to magically avoid STD’s (shazam!), cyclical training seemed like a horrendous way to get “some”.  and by some i mean rockclimbing fun.  look, if i want to campus on jugs, then it’s jug campusin’ time.  if i want to do mono one arm pullups with a punching bag strapped to my waist, then i’m gonna do it.  because that’s what me and my ridiculously enormous forearms are in the mood for.  that’s how i eat.  that’s how i drink.  that’s how i climb.

i’m basically like the Hemingway of mundane activity doing.

so instead of heeding the sage advice of training book writers and the magazine writer-people who plagiarize borrow from them, i opted for a much more belligerent strategy:

climb ’til it breaks.  then play video games until you get fat.  then climb ’til it breaks.  and so on and so forth until i’ve got a ton of points on my Xbox 360 and my total grade progression since 2000 comes out to be something like -1.

this cycle of idiocy continued for over a decade until now.  because like a ‘roid junkie – i’m cycling.

3 weeks of power/strength

3 weeks of power endurance

1 week of just sitting around being totally kick ass

that’s right.  consider all the chains “clipped” and all the problems “ticked”.

rampage time.



things i hate: bouldery routes

3 06 2009


i am not really a breakdancer.  i am a boulderer. *SURPRISE!*  white, american. hetero, male, boulderer.  i know because it says so on the ‘contact information’ card in my Trapper Keeper ©.  right under the part where my mom wrote: “believe in yourself pookie!”.

thanks mom.  pookie did.  until he started trying to climb ‘bouldery routes‘. Read the rest of this entry »

i (kinda) feel bad for mutant strongmos

22 04 2009
good luck 5.15'ing your way past this thing

good luck 5.15'ing your way past this thing

seriously.  first of all, i’ve read a bunch of X-Men comics and from what i could tell being a mutant wasn’t all shooting energy beams out of your eyes or throwing explosive playing cards.  nope.  in those books, the ‘man’ sent giant robots (see above) to kill their mutant asses.   sorry, but no thanks.  terremer looks like a rad problem, but i see no reason to get chased by a robot army any sooner than i have to.  and trust me, if what i’m reading at geekologie proves to be even partially true, then we will all be looking over our shoulders for pissed off Roombas in the years to come:

As a pioneer in the emerging robot industry, iRobot’s goal is to drive innovation, serve as an industry catalyst and change the world by fueling the era of robots. (

editors note: OMFG!  RUN!

Read the rest of this entry »

learning things about stuff

14 04 2009
horses and hearts?  i

horses and hearts? now that is a ladies lady. i'd imagine there is probably a herd of mustangs enroute to their local country-western bar as i speak.

i’ve learned two things this week:

1) ‘the guy’ is not a douche bag.  i just talked to him on the phone and it turns out that we were arguing about completely different things.  like star wars aficionados discussing the ins and outs of space physics with trekkies, neither one of us really had a clue which space the other was referring to.  and by space i mean context and not the dark stuff in the sky that surrounds heaven.  and by heaven i mean the cloud city where jesus lives.  ah.  so much magic and so little time.  /sniffle.

so, yes, it seems the guy had been given some terribly inaccurate information about yours truly and – like so many interweb squabbles – it kinda got outta hand.  in fact, after a whopping hour-long conversation it turns out ‘the guy’ is really nice and very cool.  this just goes to show – AGAIN – turn based email doesn’t really allow for the same amount of conversational complexity as a live conversation.  i know.  i’m as shocked as you are.  edit: for some awesome lulz about interweb flamings check this out. NSFW.

2) kentucky bouldering season, like so many niche retail stores, has officially closed.  why you ask?  while i would like to blame this on obama and his economy mauling buddies leo tolstoy and karl marx,  i fear i cannot.  mostly because his buddies are long dead, and obama himself is about as marxist as a bus full of young republicans.  the only difference?  obama probably doesn’t tell ‘black’ jokes when nobody is around to cry foul.  but if he does – wow – that would be totally f***ing awkward for his staffers.   Read the rest of this entry »

jimmy webb interview

4 04 2009

/bump.  jimmy is a nice guy and this deserved way more time at the top.  if you’re here for the non-drama it’s just below.  also peep the new video over at fury register if you have a second.  it tops out AND features a Beach Boys track.  booyah.

finally, i would like to thank everyone for reading and helping me set a single week hit record.  together we finally beat out that one time I paid the kids in my neighborhood to spend an entire weekend pumping up my numbers at the public library.


i promised to interview more southern boulderers a few months back.  today i bring you round two of said interviewing: the jimmy webb email interview.

jimmy webb is a beast.  and by beast i don’t mean he eats people.  just that he climbs hard.  and by climbs hard i mean he has sent hard lines everywhere.  everywhere, i say!:  jason kehl’s The New Zero (v13) in So Ill, Crown of Aragorn (v13) and Alma Blanca (v13) in Hueco, Haroun and the Sea of Stories (v12 flash!) and an obscure climb called the Mandala (sp?) in Bishop, as well as Dark Waters (v13) at Clear Creek.  if a bomb went off everywhere jimmy did a hard rockclimb then the entire U S of A would look like – wait for it – like a warzone.


what’s more, this list is just a summary.  that’s right people – he has climbed even more than this.  if you don’t believe me go check out his 8a scorecard.  it’s okay, i’ll wait.

see.  it’s all right there.  in bar graph form.  still don’t believe me?  watch the video again.  that’s him climbing up all the big rocks.  topping them out no less; i find this totally overwhelming.

fortunately, all of jimmy’s big winning has not gone to his head.  and unlike the entire cast of Friends, jimmy agreed to do an interview with us rather than file a restraining order.

it starts after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »