The Garage Hath Returned: A Prelude to a Totally Different 2 Year Hiatus

23 02 2012

the only way i could manage to take a dump on my Lamborghini without a ladder

in case you haven’t been paying attention to the big silence that is It Came from the Garage, i took a rather long respite from the climbing blogosphere.  a respite is – of course – a euphemism for playing video games, drinking beer, and watching sports used by the over-educated (HI I’VE READ ADORNO!) and unemployed  to make being ordinary sound like an action montage cut from a pile of Spielberg movies.  truth is, just like old people at stop lights, i got tired bored.

but that’s all fine and good.  a 21st century dude sometimes needs a healthy does of social media distractions and drugs to settle himself in the often torrid seas of the present.  i mean, the world is imploding on itself.  wild inequity threatens the social “balance”, environmental degradation is spoiling… spoils of the earth, and – according to this pamphlet i’m reading – a fallen angel named SATAN has deployed homosexuals to destroy the world.


shit is dire folks.  giving up – while not something which shines on your resume – has never looked better.

but enough is enough.  after some time being a ‘dick’ on climbing forums, i’ve decided to fire up ye olde blog again.  we have some serious catchings up to do.

What’s New in the Rockclimbings?

the most important thing to know is i’m kinda great at it.  and by kinda i mean totally.  you know that feeling you get when everything clicks into place?  like when Harry Potter finally figures out he’s a super magical badass/magical super badass and not just a mop-headed weirdo with a scar?  yeah, well its kinda like that for me, but without all the goofy friends.

i don't need a spotter Weasley.

What’s the Same in Rockclimbings?

everything else.  seriously.  quibbling over grades.  training articles.  idiots ruining access.  shit under every rock at the motherlode.  adam ondra sending everything.

finally found a replacement for the Luke Perry poster in my workout room


distance, hearts, and fondness

1 06 2010 Research Harem

three important ingredients: 1) Jens “Hey I Don’t Understand What Debate Means” Larssen (Founder of and General Innovator) 2) (news and quantitative spray/”debate” site), and 3) my distance from the much-loathed but still popular site ((time+space/  it was all there.  fondness, however, not so much.  when i returned i found this*:

* bold emphasis mine.


Jamie Emerson is working on a topo for RMNP where Jade is located giving him a delicate issue, that in a way also describes grading theory, and the problem for 8a once producing news.

Jade seems to be a reachy one move problem that Daniel Woods, 168 cm?, did in 2007. In the 2008 8a yearbook, Björn Pohl appointed it to be one of the Top-10 most difficult problem in the world. It has been, rather quickly, repeated by five taller guys but no suggested downgrade before Carlo Traversi did so last week.

It is totally understandable that nobody has mentioned a down grade before as this should only be done when you feel something is totally wrong. Carlo has not done 8B+ and crimps are not his strong point. In the video, Carlo says it felt like 7C+ on the ascent.

Grades are delicate matters but if we only base it on feelings and consensus, we will never get it right. We must include second opinions, facts and Time Comparison Grading analyses. A topo producer or 8a can not just wait until another five guys like Carlo has suggested another grade.

Already in March the topo producer Jamie Emerson speculated about Jade being 8B+. Now, Paul Robinson says he is OK with this. My point here is if Daniel Woods have suggested an 8B+ FA grade, probably all of the repeaters would have agreed on that in the same way they agreed on 8C.

If we think grades are important I think a slash grade 8B+/8C is appropriate but if we do NOT think grades are so important and accurate, I would go for Jamie Emerson gut feeling.

I would also like to underline that it is just natural that the FA’s can not get it right 100 %. Daniel Woods has been leading the pack by 12 first ascent boulders graded 8B+ to 8C+. He has a clean record showing that he is very capable of suggesting humble FA grades. He has been a true role model since he was 19-years-old!

two reactions: 1) “bro, whaaaaaaaaaat?” and 2) SCIENCE!!!!



Why Does it Take a Decade to Learn Not to Train Like an Imbecile?

8 09 2009


seriously.  wtf.

all finger strength – all the time = broke ass fingers.

all endurance – all the time = weaksauce.

all power endurance – all the time = exhausted.

all power – all the time = broke ass shoulders.

despite having read about training in cycles, it never struck me as something i should maybe consider.  like abstinence as a means to magically avoid STD’s (shazam!), cyclical training seemed like a horrendous way to get “some”.  and by some i mean rockclimbing fun.  look, if i want to campus on jugs, then it’s jug campusin’ time.  if i want to do mono one arm pullups with a punching bag strapped to my waist, then i’m gonna do it.  because that’s what me and my ridiculously enormous forearms are in the mood for.  that’s how i eat.  that’s how i drink.  that’s how i climb.

i’m basically like the Hemingway of mundane activity doing.

so instead of heeding the sage advice of training book writers and the magazine writer-people who plagiarize borrow from them, i opted for a much more belligerent strategy:

climb ’til it breaks.  then play video games until you get fat.  then climb ’til it breaks.  and so on and so forth until i’ve got a ton of points on my Xbox 360 and my total grade progression since 2000 comes out to be something like -1.

this cycle of idiocy continued for over a decade until now.  because like a ‘roid junkie – i’m cycling.

3 weeks of power/strength

3 weeks of power endurance

1 week of just sitting around being totally kick ass

that’s right.  consider all the chains “clipped” and all the problems “ticked”.

rampage time.



return to the fray: the fray return post

5 08 2009
look how much i've aged.  scareeeee.

look how much i've aged. scareeeee.

you know what really gets me amped to write about rockclimbing.  besides winning world cup events, putting up mind blowing first ascents, and designing my own line of climbing pants/shorts/jackets?


not climbing stats (5.12c/v8).  no.  i don’t care about achievement on rock anymore because i’m into enlightenment.  and i’m like WAAAAYYY good at it too.  i’d explain, but you probably wouldn’t understand.

no, when i say stats i mean important stuff like interweb hits and offsite links.  you know, business.  anyhow, i just looked at my numerical graph thingy and apparently i’m looking into the statistical barrel of my worst month of hits since early 2008.  and the only thing i hate worse than getting shot in the face is – you guessed it – getting shot with my own failure.  in the face.  fiery hot data packets of fail right in the kisser.

so, yeah.  clearly i’m not cool with this development.  in fact, i’m so uncool with it that i’m gonna try to change things.  not anything important, like, say, racism, health care, or the weird confluence of racism/health care chatter that keeps popping up every time i leave my house.

no.  i can’t change the world people.  i’m only one blogger.  but with my intense focus and these two rockcrushing (but still very charming) hands, i’m pretty sure i can get my numbers up.

so tell your friends.  i’m back.  and i’m willing to write for their attention.  as long as said attention doesn’t require:

1) stories about doing things.  i don’t do those.  things, i mean.  i just don’t.

2) stories about winning.  i do them, but they’re all lies.  clever self-serving lies.

3) stories about climbing culture.  because 15k people in brown pants don’t deserve analysis.

4) posts without a list.  because:

a) it’s my writing crutch y’all.

b) how will you know it was me?

c) because i can’t do this alone.

nice to see you again.


innovation friday: harness pants

12 06 2009


the other day i was out climbing with my bros; a veritable who’s who of people i know.  okay, maybe i’m exaggerating a bit.

it was just me and aaron.

anywho.  we had just been to the ‘lode’ to get our pump on *spray’d* and we decided to head somewhere else for a warmdown.  and there we were standing under this 5.9+ (which is really a 10a!) talking about how dumb everyone is and how cool we are for allowing them all to live, when all of a sudden i had the best idea ever: harness pants.

it’s a classic american 2 for 1.  i’ll explain.  take two things that are seperate and sew them together!  1+1 = 2!  it’s crazy!  we wear pants to climb?  we wear harnesses to climb?  they both go on our legs?  OMFG!!!   HARNESSPANTS!!!!

even got ourselves a slogan: “harness the posspantsibilities”

if you happen to own a harness corporation, a pant company, or some sort of weird post modern hybrid and you would like to reach me for more details….

there aren’t any.  harness pants.  make it happen.  chop chop.


sportclimbing is like Rogue from X-Men

9 06 2009

someone is gettin' their Gambit on

dude.  it took my powers.  no, not my awesome blog-based super-ego.  nope.  it took my rockclimbings powers.

seriously.  building up an endurance base (20-30 pitches a week of 10c-11c for almost 2 months)  has really put a damper on my “explosive” power and “tepid to lukewarm” strength.

how do i know?  i just finished my winter hangboard/front lever workout and…..  i’m total weaksauce.  can’t do a front lever (it’s not like riding a bike oddly enough) and had to drop 30 lbs off my crimp/pull-up regimen.

i really didn’t see this coming.  if i was a poorly written character in a college/frat movie, i’d go on a binge drinking/public harrasment rampage to prove i’m still a virile stud. *WHO’S THE P**SY NOW MOTHER F**KERS!!!??!?!?!*

but i’m not.  so i blogged it.

*sigh*  virility lose.

-t “i shoulda seen this coming?” t

things i hate: hatred

4 06 2009

landlines. omg. the 90's were hell.

i was rereading my post from yesterday and i think i might have jumped the gun a bit.  i mean, sure, i’ve been totally shut down on two three ‘bouldery’ routes in the last few weeks, and sure it makes me wanna rethink my strate..

*rage blackout*

what was i talking about?

oh, right.  hatred.  yeah.  it’s wrong.  especially in climbing.  because it’s all like about being with nature.  not like sexually.  natural sex is gross.  but like, you know, getting all in-the-flow with flowers and dirt and stuff is pretty good.  like the new prana look.  it’s so with nature because it’s all about doing natural stuff…. IN nature.  look after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »