The Garage Hath Returned: A Prelude to a Totally Different 2 Year Hiatus

23 02 2012

the only way i could manage to take a dump on my Lamborghini without a ladder

in case you haven’t been paying attention to the big silence that is It Came from the Garage, i took a rather long respite from the climbing blogosphere.  a respite is – of course – a euphemism for playing video games, drinking beer, and watching sports used by the over-educated (HI I’VE READ ADORNO!) and unemployed  to make being ordinary sound like an action montage cut from a pile of Spielberg movies.  truth is, just like old people at stop lights, i got tired bored.

but that’s all fine and good.  a 21st century dude sometimes needs a healthy does of social media distractions and drugs to settle himself in the often torrid seas of the present.  i mean, the world is imploding on itself.  wild inequity threatens the social “balance”, environmental degradation is spoiling… spoils of the earth, and – according to this pamphlet i’m reading – a fallen angel named SATAN has deployed homosexuals to destroy the world.


shit is dire folks.  giving up – while not something which shines on your resume – has never looked better.

but enough is enough.  after some time being a ‘dick’ on climbing forums, i’ve decided to fire up ye olde blog again.  we have some serious catchings up to do.

What’s New in the Rockclimbings?

the most important thing to know is i’m kinda great at it.  and by kinda i mean totally.  you know that feeling you get when everything clicks into place?  like when Harry Potter finally figures out he’s a super magical badass/magical super badass and not just a mop-headed weirdo with a scar?  yeah, well its kinda like that for me, but without all the goofy friends.

i don't need a spotter Weasley.

What’s the Same in Rockclimbings?

everything else.  seriously.  quibbling over grades.  training articles.  idiots ruining access.  shit under every rock at the motherlode.  adam ondra sending everything.

finally found a replacement for the Luke Perry poster in my workout room


things i hate: bouldery routes

3 06 2009


i am not really a breakdancer.  i am a boulderer. *SURPRISE!*  white, american. hetero, male, boulderer.  i know because it says so on the ‘contact information’ card in my Trapper Keeper ©.  right under the part where my mom wrote: “believe in yourself pookie!”.

thanks mom.  pookie did.  until he started trying to climb ‘bouldery routes‘. Read the rest of this entry »

enemy mine: spurt climbin’ ethic time

12 05 2009


sometimes i wake up and think to myself “where am i?”  and then i’m all like “AHA!!!”  that’s because i know where i am AND i like to let myself know with exclamatronics.  and, yes, i sometimes make up cool words to describe the banal.  ima banalinator.

whoops, i did it again. Read the rest of this entry »

the routes doth call

20 04 2009


you ever look at pictures of sport climbing and say to yourself “man, that looks badass!”?

yeah, me neither.  i mean, why would i want to do several boulder problems in a row when i’m already having so much fun doing them in the single?  plus. if you need more than two hands to count the number of moves in a problem, it’s no longer climbing.  it’s math.

Read the rest of this entry »

the newbs cometh (or revenge of the jerry)

13 06 2008


when i first began the ‘climbing of the rocks’ (aka cliff clinging) i was a newb.  same for you.  same for dave graham (for 3-4 days).  same for all of us.  so while i do like to poke fun at the newbsauce jerry who still hasn’t taken the price tag off his sparkling new chalkbag, i also realize nobody pops into this game with sloth forearms, crag savvy, and a pair of scissors.  

that said, my recent (re)exploration of the red river gorge has taken me into a world RIFE with newbs.  why just last week i saw a horde of trad-gear armed gumbies retreat from a 5.6 choss-fest because their rope was tangled in a tree located some 30 feet away from the route.  add this absurdity to the dozens of shiny cams slotted in 8 inch intervals to protect the desperate 4th class ledge traverse and what you have is a combination of wide-eyed confusion and genuine concern on my part.

i mean, jerrys are funny ’til you gotta carry one 1.3 miles on your back.  

how then do we deal with these rookie duds?  sometimes a good ole-fashioned “dude, you suck.  give me your rope” seems like a good idea.  it saves their life, gets them out of the red, and gets me a desperately needed new rope.  win, win, win.  but as much as i love being on the hate wagon <*tip o’ the cap to sock hands> it seems better to help my experience malnourished brothers and sisters by ‘droppin’ knowledge’ on them.   in what follows i offer some advice on said knowledge droppage. Read the rest of this entry »