things i hate: hatred

4 06 2009
phone-hatred

landlines. omg. the 90's were hell.

i was rereading my post from yesterday and i think i might have jumped the gun a bit.  i mean, sure, i’ve been totally shut down on two three ‘bouldery’ routes in the last few weeks, and sure it makes me wanna rethink my strate..

*rage blackout*

what was i talking about?

oh, right.  hatred.  yeah.  it’s wrong.  especially in climbing.  because it’s all like about being with nature.  not like sexually.  natural sex is gross.  but like, you know, getting all in-the-flow with flowers and dirt and stuff is pretty good.  like the new prana look.  it’s so with nature because it’s all about doing natural stuff…. IN nature.  look after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

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news flash: gideons are real

10 04 2008
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the Gideons are real. as in there are people that might say “i am a Gideon”. it’s not as glamorous as scientology (mostly because it lacks the word science), but it still has enough tolkien-esque flair to get a dude laid at a renaissance festival. as it turns out these ‘fellowship’ makers not only stock hotel rooms, hospitals, and military break rooms with The Word, but they also hand out little bibles on the street. so if you were wondering: Gideons are real. they are not bible ninjas that sneak into institutional spots with a sack full o’ gospel. they drop that shiz on tha streetz kid.

in other news (related to rockclimbing):

Adam Ondra recently polished off Dreamtime (v13) in a day. not only is this an unprecedented send, but it’s gonna put some serious pressure on me when I finally make it to Cresciano.

Dave Graham just opened a new v15 in Font (a place with 1789 straight-ups graded 7A or harder).

i continue to fail to send my two remaining Tucson projects (7B+ and a long 7A+/7B). pictures of said failure coming in the next few days. i blame two pulley injuries, but it’s quite possible i drank away my ability to crush boulder problems last month. evidence: 1) after falling on the last move repeatedly (on the 7B+) in March, i now find myself unable to stick the first move. 2) a huge assortment of beer bottles in my kitchen floor.

-tissue





fat people and nihilists: the spectacle of climbing philosophy

26 03 2008
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We’ve all been there. After building a solid “hey-i’ve-read-all-the- climbing-training-books” route pyramid we finally cross a plateau that has stared us in the face for weeks, months, or even years. We clip the chains. Our friends cheer. Confetti fills the sky. And the credits begin to roll. That’s right people, we have jumped up a grade in rock climbing uber-leetness.

There are two primary ways in which to read this event: 1) It might be interpreted as the culmination of many hours of garage/gym enthusiasm. We did X number of one arm pull ups so that Y route could be manhandled by our inspiring industrial strength grip. We ran 5 times a week for three months. We stopped drinking beer. All of this so that we could jump a grade in our personal quest to become absolutely ridiculous. 2) It could also be said that this sort of goal oriented approach is quite sad. With all the focus on the arrival, people miss the trip, the process, the ‘becoming’ strong. All we get is our three seconds of glory when we clip the chains and then we’re back to square one: the next grade. Add to this that grades are largely speculative, and what you get is a ton of people focusing on a reductive representation of climbing that obscures the true beauty of the sport.

Two sides. Two philosophies if you will. Grade Chasers and Soul Climbers.

Fortunately for you, we here at It Came From the Garage have the answer to this perplexing binary. By uncovering how these philosophies might approach key nodes in climbing ideology we can begin to uncoil the most truest true truthed form of rock climbing.

Nature: First of all, grade chasers hate nature. I think Darwin said it best when he said “Rock climbers who care about grades hate nature.” (Origin of Species, 172) And of course, everybody knows that rock climbing naturally requires a stern indifference to the notions of quality and quantity related through the relationship between 0 and 1; an indifference not present in nature-hating grade enthusiasts, but fully constituted in the Zen-like flowiness of soul climbers. See a forest burning? It wasn’t lightning my friend, it was a dude with an 8a account.

Body: Soul climbers are fat. Fat fatty fat fats. They don’t care about climbing hard because they can’t. Rather than hit the gym, these rasta vibin’ bros hide their fat rolls behind their avowed spiritual relationship with the rock. Of course, we all know this is hocus-pocus ‘i-left-that-shit-on-dead-tour’ crap. When they say things like “the rock speaks to me”, the keen observer should read this as “please ignore the fact that I suck at rock climbing.” Sorry ‘brah’, but we can’t; your “suck speaks to us”.

Fat People vs. Quantitative Nihilists? Which is the most truest-ish?

Discuss.

-tissue tendons

 





hueco + tissue tendons = cursed

19 03 2008

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since moving to the desert I have climbed alot of the rocks that are not made of plastic. being 5 hours from hueco, one would imagine i have been a climber alot there. i haven’t. it’s not because i suck or am afraid of rock climbing in places that are not garages, it’s because god hates me.

as many of you might recall, god is the white guy with the beard who made bouldering possible vis a vis making boulders. i know, i know, you ‘SCIENCE’ people are all like “nah man, chemical weathering and deposition made boulders”. if that’s true then how did this happen? if you think the name is an accident you are going to hell. to recap: god made up bouldering and he hates me.

why? i dunno. i wanna say its because of my devout atheism, but am starting to think he has bias against super-awesomeness. though i remain uncertain as to why, i am positive of HOW he hates me:

1) hueco in january: was going to go, but sublaxed my shoulder in Arkansas (where a weird temperature inversion left the entire boulderfield wet(tened) from the inside… further proof of god’s infinite disdain for tissue tendons). my shoulders are super-strong from climbing in the garages that are not hueco. it would clearly take an act of god to sublaxe them.

2) hueco in february: broke ass. not that i ‘broke my ass’, but that my ‘ass was broke’. i had no money. was supposed to goto the rock rodeo but almost died of the flu. really. almost died. god?

3) hueco in march: FUCKKK!!!!! (re)injured a pulley trying to get a tucson project of mine sent before driving to hueco.

here’s looking forward to april and thousands of things having something to with this.

do you find yourself cursed by god? have a great story about getting f*&ked by a deity?

share.