The Garage Hath Returned: A Prelude to a Totally Different 2 Year Hiatus

23 02 2012

the only way i could manage to take a dump on my Lamborghini without a ladder

in case you haven’t been paying attention to the big silence that is It Came from the Garage, i took a rather long respite from the climbing blogosphere.  a respite is – of course – a euphemism for playing video games, drinking beer, and watching sports used by the over-educated (HI I’VE READ ADORNO!) and unemployed  to make being ordinary sound like an action montage cut from a pile of Spielberg movies.  truth is, just like old people at stop lights, i got tired bored.

but that’s all fine and good.  a 21st century dude sometimes needs a healthy does of social media distractions and drugs to settle himself in the often torrid seas of the present.  i mean, the world is imploding on itself.  wild inequity threatens the social “balance”, environmental degradation is spoiling… spoils of the earth, and – according to this pamphlet i’m reading – a fallen angel named SATAN has deployed homosexuals to destroy the world.


shit is dire folks.  giving up – while not something which shines on your resume – has never looked better.

but enough is enough.  after some time being a ‘dick’ on climbing forums, i’ve decided to fire up ye olde blog again.  we have some serious catchings up to do.

What’s New in the Rockclimbings?

the most important thing to know is i’m kinda great at it.  and by kinda i mean totally.  you know that feeling you get when everything clicks into place?  like when Harry Potter finally figures out he’s a super magical badass/magical super badass and not just a mop-headed weirdo with a scar?  yeah, well its kinda like that for me, but without all the goofy friends.

i don't need a spotter Weasley.

What’s the Same in Rockclimbings?

everything else.  seriously.  quibbling over grades.  training articles.  idiots ruining access.  shit under every rock at the motherlode.  adam ondra sending everything.

finally found a replacement for the Luke Perry poster in my workout room


News Flash(ed): 976th Ascent of Ro Shampo

24 09 2009
this is not me; and i have no idea WTF he is doing at the crux

this is not me; and i have no idea WTF he is doing at the crux

from the desk of my press officer:

Although many sorta-fit climbers and out-of-shape ropeguns have onsighted and flashed Ro  over the past decade (including some 11 year old kid from Texas, dozens of pregnant women, and at least one person who was “totally frying [his] ass off” on LSD), none have been able to make the 976th Ascent. Before today.  I am also the first person living in my house to climb an established 5.11d/5.12a on American soil.  As I clipped one at the anchors, I let out a victory explanation that could be heard all around: “You can get an armbar to clip!”

j/k.. it’s too swampy to climb right now….


things i hate: bouldery routes

3 06 2009


i am not really a breakdancer.  i am a boulderer. *SURPRISE!*  white, american. hetero, male, boulderer.  i know because it says so on the ‘contact information’ card in my Trapper Keeper ©.  right under the part where my mom wrote: “believe in yourself pookie!”.

thanks mom.  pookie did.  until he started trying to climb ‘bouldery routes‘. Read the rest of this entry »

enemy mine: spurt climbin’ ethic time

12 05 2009


sometimes i wake up and think to myself “where am i?”  and then i’m all like “AHA!!!”  that’s because i know where i am AND i like to let myself know with exclamatronics.  and, yes, i sometimes make up cool words to describe the banal.  ima banalinator.

whoops, i did it again. Read the rest of this entry »

silence of the blog

5 05 2009


um….  *chirp chirp*.  i’ve been busy writing and thinking about stuff.  none of it has anything to do with rockclimbing.  i know, right?


but i have been sportclimbing again.  it’s been amazing.  to summarize: climb – climb – clip – rest – climb – rest – clip – climb – clip. but with more climbing, resting, and clipping.  edit: it is actually amazing.  not only does it remind me how awful i am at climbing (and give me almost endless room for improvement), but it makes kentucky like 10000x more awesome.

i was looking for a red river gorgesque photo to steal for this post but all i found was this page:


awesome approach.  don’t call me, i’ll call you.

i’m not trying to crush out this little snippet of the american dream, but from where i’m standing it seems like 1) they want to steal my photos 2) they aren’t very convincing, and 3) based on the right sidebar… competition for being swindled is not all that fierce.  pretty much get a lens on anything other than a kiosk, a bridge, or a trash can and you’re in there.  and by in there i mean you get 1/2 a pizza at miguel’s.


wow.  almost worth buying that 1k dollar digital slr….

command+shift+4 in the house.


what apocalypse?: bolts, beers, and bob marley

30 04 2009


the world hangs on the precipice of doom.  the economy is in shambles, robots are competing in jeopardy, and a pork-based epidemic is sweeping across the globe.  the last gasps of humanity flicker like whispers in th…. *wait a minute.  what’s that you say?  sport climbing?  at the red?  for a few months?  dude, i’m so in.*

Read the rest of this entry »

the routes doth call

20 04 2009


you ever look at pictures of sport climbing and say to yourself “man, that looks badass!”?

yeah, me neither.  i mean, why would i want to do several boulder problems in a row when i’m already having so much fun doing them in the single?  plus. if you need more than two hands to count the number of moves in a problem, it’s no longer climbing.  it’s math.

Read the rest of this entry »