“Hello God, it’s me….Tissue”

22 12 2008



first of all, i want to send a big ol’ cyber-hug to our rockclimbing brothers and sisters in wisconsin, michigan, illinois, kansas, etc..  for i know as bad as it might seem in the bluegrass state – our worst winter days are trivial in comparison to the frigid onslaught you people face year after year.  i’m so  %*%&#&  sorry.

here in kentucky, the last month has been a) really wet and cold or b) cold, cold, and cold.  aside from popping poorly insulated pipes, causing conflicted lovers to spoon, and forcing me into at least a dozen head-nodding weather conversations with the elderly, this terrible weather has forced me to…. wait for it:   train.

so, without further ado: tissue’s winter wonderland training regimen Read the rest of this entry »

the politics of grading: brangelina grocery conundrum

24 11 2008


grading is funny.  hilarious, even.  most rockclimbers agree grades are super-subjective, and yet they all maintain a firm commitment to getting them “right”.  it’s like standing in line at the grocery arguing about what jennifer aniston ‘really’ thinks about brad pitt.  there simply is no right answer people (except for ‘she still loves him’).  why?  because we all interpret the pictures of these super-hawt megastars differently.  sure, we can all agree that angelina jolie is a crazy-hawt, terribly-vile, home-wrecking temptress, but the pictures of brad and jennifer are filled with an uncertain whimsy; a trace of longing in jen’s eyes mixed with brad’s love for shaking children render these almost illegible.  spellbinded, we can but speculate on their true feelings.  but for some, speculatings are not enough; people must set forth the really real relations, impose their grocery-line psychoanalytics on the world.  Read the rest of this entry »

hueco + tissue tendons = cursed

19 03 2008


since moving to the desert I have climbed alot of the rocks that are not made of plastic. being 5 hours from hueco, one would imagine i have been a climber alot there. i haven’t. it’s not because i suck or am afraid of rock climbing in places that are not garages, it’s because god hates me.

as many of you might recall, god is the white guy with the beard who made bouldering possible vis a vis making boulders. i know, i know, you ‘SCIENCE’ people are all like “nah man, chemical weathering and deposition made boulders”. if that’s true then how did this happen? if you think the name is an accident you are going to hell. to recap: god made up bouldering and he hates me.

why? i dunno. i wanna say its because of my devout atheism, but am starting to think he has bias against super-awesomeness. though i remain uncertain as to why, i am positive of HOW he hates me:

1) hueco in january: was going to go, but sublaxed my shoulder in Arkansas (where a weird temperature inversion left the entire boulderfield wet(tened) from the inside… further proof of god’s infinite disdain for tissue tendons). my shoulders are super-strong from climbing in the garages that are not hueco. it would clearly take an act of god to sublaxe them.

2) hueco in february: broke ass. not that i ‘broke my ass’, but that my ‘ass was broke’. i had no money. was supposed to goto the rock rodeo but almost died of the flu. really. almost died. god?

3) hueco in march: FUCKKK!!!!! (re)injured a pulley trying to get a tucson project of mine sent before driving to hueco.

here’s looking forward to april and thousands of things having something to with this.

do you find yourself cursed by god? have a great story about getting f*&ked by a deity?