i f$&#*#ing hate winter. there is no sun. it’s cold. i f#&@&@ing hate it. hate. hate. hate. hate.
last winter i skipped out on all the hatred and headed to tucson for some pre-dementia snowbird weather. ah…mid 70’s, sunny, and dry: just what the doctor ordered. yes – yes – yes. while out in the sonoran desert i was able to climb 4 days a week, swim in my apartment-side pool, and pack in the grins every morning with a blast of sunshine and orange juice.
this winter? no smiling. not even a wry smirk. in fact, i’m taking swings at a symbolic face that doesn’t even exist. haymakers, dude. wild disconnected haymakers.
but since i can’t punch old man winter in his stupid depressing face, i’ve decided to go on a killing spree….. in a game called halo 3.
as many of you can probably infer, halo 3 is the follow-up to the highly succesful halo 2 – itself a follow-up to the big-time success-ridden game halo (1). to recap: halo (1) begat halo 2 begat halo 3. in the last chapter of this trilogy, you control a guy and run around shooting people in the face as much as possible. it’s great fun; because 1) killing virtual people you don’t know throws the basic tenets of karma into an irresolvable tailspin, and 2) nothing beats having a 7 year old telling you to “kill yourself” because “you suck so bad i can feel the universe wobble”.
internet culture has made american kids so savvy. nuanced even.
so anyhow, instead of shooting people on this dark and gloomy winter morning i decided to make a list comparing the game halo 3 and rockclimbings.
in other words, IS IT SPRINGTIME YET??!?!?!?!??!?!?
F*@&$*@*(#*@*@**@*$K!!!!!!!!!
halo 3 versus rockclimbings:
- halo 3 doesn’t get harder if you gain weight. in fact, fatties tend to pwn in the sit-down world of videogames.
- the grading system in halo 3 is decided by a formula. that way if you’re really good you don’t have to wait for all the other good players to confirm you.
- if you shoot someone in the face they can’t call a dab.
- nothing is contrived in halo 3. it’s a game.
- strangers don’t ask stupid questions about halo 3—-“oooh! rockclimbing! you use pitons? have you seen the show about Everest? do you free climb?”—- instead, they just assume you’re a huge dork and ignore you for the rest of the night.
- people don’t veil their contempt for you in halo 3. you never hear someone giving an “allez!” to someone they clearly want to kill.
- halo 3 people don’t confuse their hobby with metaphysics. nobody ever says “yeah dude, when i was pwning that nub – i dunno – something changed inside of me. maybe forever.”
- no rest days
-tissue ‘i trained for this?’ tendons
Brilliant. I feel your pain, yet, oddly, look forward to the end of climbing season, so I can get fat with impunity and pwn on some Xbox.
Gears of War 2 vs. Halo 3?
Call of Duty: World at War vs. Gears?
I still haven’t played Bioshock.
gears 2 is a different animal. where halo 3 is mostly about weapons matchups and maximizing advantages (or minimizing disadvantages), gears tend to rely heavily on taking cover. that said, i LOVE cover. it’s what i would do if someone was trying to kill me.
btw – horde mode with a few friends is ridiculous fun.
COD: WaW? ugh. i play some COD4 and it’s cool and all, but……. i suck. my quick twitch 2-shot reflexes are poop. i’m much better at continuous fire games than those so-called ‘realistic’ shooters. i mean, i still like the game, but getting pwned repeatedly? its awful.
COD – it’s the grenades. They don’t let you rest. But the bodies pile up after a bit, and you begin to feel better.
Timeshift is worth a look, too, for continuous shooting. My goal is to get so fat and addicted to Xbox they have to crane-lift me out of a hole cut in the ceiling just to get me to fat camp. We’ll see if I can’t do it.
yeah. i really dont know the maps well enough to ‘pre-nade’. plus, COD messes with my halo 3 game – different buttons + different feel = total catastrophe.
crane operators nationwide await the honor of ‘saving’ you from your self-styled prison.
Look for me on Discovery some Saturday: “The 600-pound Video Game Addict who Once Climbed Rocks…”
best rock climbing vs halo 3 comparison ever made ever. Nice work.
thanks! as an aside: my current COD4 pwnage has now rendered me totally obsolete in halo3.
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